Love

Everyone is different. Some people share their love with the world very openly. Some love everyone. Some people hide their love away. They lock it up in their hearts, never to see the light of day. For if they let it out they may experience pain and that pain may burn them badly.

The best idea is to share love carefully and use it a a resource. In other words, you can love someone with just a small amount of kindness without letting it overwhelm your life or your heart. For example, you may have a friend who is down on their luck. Instead of taking them in, sheltering them, paying for their food, their phone bill, their medication - you can opt for only paying for their medication. Let someone else pay their bills, someone else take them in. You do not have to do everything, nor should you be expected to. This may be different if we are talking about a family member, but in all cases taking on someone else's responsibilities completely just because you are trying to be a good Christian may end up ruining your day, month or year.

Similarly, start each new relationship with friends or romantic interests with great care and caution. There are heart breakers out there. I say this because usually I am the one breaking hearts. It is not on purpose, but I have in the past rushed into things, only to decide later that it was a bad idea. This blog examines several areas of love.

Expressions of Love

You can actually take this online quiz and learn what your priorities are as far as romantic and friendship love are concerned. This focuses on romantic love, but it is also helpful for understanding friendship love. I highly suggest taking it just to know what your priorities are.

Three Kinds of Love

Adapted from info taken from UBDavid

AGAPE LOVE -   What is agape love? Agape love is that love which gives and sacrifices for the highest good of another person. It is the kind of love that caused Jesus to sacrifice himself completely in order to die for all of our sins. Without it there would be no "sacrifice".
Agape love has two main characteristics: (1) It is completely unselfish— it seeks that which is best for the one it loves, and (2) it is committed love—it keeps on loving regardless of what happens.

Agape love is not just a wonderful feeling; it is definite choice. One of the amazing things about agape love is this: When you choose to love a person unselfishly and act lovingly toward them, in time you will have the feeling of love toward them.
God has given us a wonderful place in which we learn agape love. That place is the home. When you live at home you learn how to act and love unselfishly. Remember, you do not have to wait until you feel love to be loving. You can choose to love them and begin acting unselfishly toward them. This is excellent training for life!
Any person can act lovingly toward someone of the opposite sex. It is in your interest to do so. However, once you are married and the routine of daily living sets in, you'll both see each other's true nature. You can not be selfish and self-centered and be successful. Look at how they treat their family members. Are they unselfish to their family?
One of the biggest mistakes young people make is rushing into marriage. Before considering marriage you need to know that you have agape love for that special person and that he or she has the same kind of love for you.  A happy marriage is not a marriage between two “perfect” people. There is no such thing as perfect people. A happy marriage is a marriage between two imperfect people who love each other with unselfish, committed love. Agape love is not blind—it sees the faults of the other person, but it covers them with love.
When you really love someone, you don’t try to change them. You accept them and love them as they are. Agape love says, “I love you, no matter what happens, and I always will.” You can see why this kind of love is so essential in a happy and successful marriage.
Agape love is not just for marriage. We should develop agape love for all people. Every person is the object of God’s love. Every person is exceedingly precious to God. His love includes all people, and ours should also.
God has given us the perfect example of agape love. He gave His Son to die on the cross for sinful people like you and me. The Bible says,“God shows His [agape] love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

FRIENDSHIP LOVE - This is the warm love and affection we have for good friends—people whom we like and enjoy. We should have such friends both from our own sex and from the opposite sex.  Christians should develop unselfish agape love for all people, but we cannot be close friends with all people. The pyramid illustrates how the objects of our affection begin to narrow when we get to friendship love. It is greater than Sexual Love, but less than Agape Love.
To have a successful marriage, you need friendship love for your mate so that you enjoy being together, talking and sharing things with each other. A marriage without respect and tender affection between husband and wife will be unsatisfactory, even if there is a lot of passion in the bedroom.

SEXUAL  LOVE - This is that special, most intimate kind of love between a husband and wife. We should have sexual love for only one person—the one to whom we are married. The pyramid illustrates how our affections should narrow to one person when it comes to sexual love.
In the beginning God created one man and one woman. They were committed to each other for life. This is God’s design for marriage and sexual love—one man and one woman committed to each other for life.
God gave sex both as a means of producing children and as a source of pleasure. Through sexual intercourse a husband and wife are able to express to the fullest their love for each other. This is one of the great blessings and privileges of marriage.
To protect this blessing of sexual love within marriage, God gave this command—“You shall not commit adultery.”
This command forbids all sexual impurity. Fornication is sexual intercourse between an unmarried man and woman. Adultery is sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her marriage partner. Both fornication and adultery are forbidden by God, along with all other sexual sins.

God is not against sex. He is against the wrong use of sex. After all, sex was God’s idea in the first place. Within marriage, it is one of the most wonderful blessings we can enjoy. That’s what God intended it to be!

As wonderful as sexual love is, it can never be the foundation for a successful marriage. Many couples try to build their marriage on the foundation of physical or sexual love. The marriage may last for a while, but when the storms of life come, their marriage fails. They discover too late that you cannot build a happy and successful marriage with sexual love as the foundation.

 

Prov 6:16 ~ Being a Christian

A short opinion based on Prov 6:16: "The Lord detests haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that kill the innocent, a heart that plots evil, feet that race to do wrong, a false witness that pours out lies, a person who sows discord in a family."

1. Haughty Eye: A lesson for Americans. Pride Comes Before the Fall. Do not condescend - ever. Have humility in your requests with friends, family, and the public. Never ask others to do those difficult labors that you would not do yourself. Delegation is good, but you should never "use" people for your goals. Do not buy people with compliments, money or treachery. I have seen good Christians use people - sometimes without knowing they were doing it. No matter what your cause or your work is, the result is never worth the means - if your means were not admirable. Your work should be highlighted by true appreciation of your friends, family and supporters. Teach by example and live by example.

Definition of Haughty Eyes:
Having or showing the insulting attitude of people who think that they are better, smarter, or more important than other people.
If you would like to see haughty eyes, look no further than the faces of the men and women protesting the arrival of migrants from Central America.  The woman who screamed, “we don’t want you; nobody wants you!” may have believed she was speaking for the entire nation. She wasn't.

We are no better than the folks who viewed lynchings as celebratory events . . (more here)

2. A Lying Tongue: There is no benefit in a lie. In your life you will pay for each sin and none is so hard to live with than a lie. Even if a person believes your lie, you know what you did or said. It will stay with you forever. It will hurt you more in the long run than if you just told the truth. This kind of mistake tends to come back to bite you in the bum. Lies are easily found out. Small lies are not so small when they end up hurting everyone. It's best to tell the truth and ask forgiveness if you did something wrong or were shortsighted. No one is perfect! It is better to show your humility than to proudly lie about something that is untrue.

Great read on this here: http://yougottaserve.blogspot.com/2010/04/we-are-culture-of-deception.html

3. Hands that kill the innocent: The largest indicator of someone's true spirit and nature is how they treat pets or animals. If you see a child with an animal nurture that impulse to do good - to treat all creatures well. It will help that child throughout their life. There were some boys here in my neighborhood watching a praying mantis. I told them praying mantis are supposed to be good luck and that they should not touch wild creatures or animals because the oils on our hands can hurt them. Last time I saw them they were still pointing at it and staring in wonder. I don't think a child's first impulse is ever violence. They must be taught that.

Facts about animal abuse and domestic violence:

• A child growing up in the U.S. is more likely to have a pet than a live-at-home father. 
• Pets live most frequently in homes with children: 64.1% of homes with children under age 6, and 74.8% of homes with children over age 6, have pets. The woman is the primary caregiver in 72.8% of pet-owning households. 
• Battered women have been known to live in their cars with their pets for as long as four months until an opening was available at a pet-friendly safe house. 

More here: http://www.americanhumane.org/interaction/support-the-bond/fact-sheets/animal-abuse-domestic-violence.html

4. A heart that plots evil: This is not just about you plotting against someone in a wicked way. It may also be that you are just so tied up in yourself and your own goals that you do not see those you hurt along the way. People need encouragement, as you do. Do not push other people out of the way on your own way to wealthy, success and victory. Otherwise your victory will feel empty. There are some people who are driven their entire lives to achieve more .  and more .  and they can never be satisfied. You never will be as long as you are so wrapped up in your own goals that you miss the forest for the trees. Appreciate where you are and what you are doing. Make sure that the people around you are also enjoying their lives and if they are not maybe take some steps to help improve that for them. It is very easy to improve the life of someone else on this planet, even if it's just a simple deed or a kind word.

5. Feet that race to do wrong: This really reminds me of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. To me it is another path that depression can take. These kids are confused, forsaken and may feel misled. I think a lot of young people have this issue, especially in the US. It is an extreme desire to do what you are not supposed to, just to spite people or to get instant rewards. Sometimes it's not something that the person is in control of. Watch this video as an example:

I don't feel like any person who has: cut, done drugs, sold drugs, or committed crimes is beyond help. Most people are not compulsively evil, narcissistic or anti-social. They are just lost. When one's soul is empty, they reach out for something that they know and something that's real. You just want to do something to remember that you're alive. You may want people to notice you or spend time and attention on you and doing bad things is the only way you can get attention. You want to feel something. It is an extreme desire but there is help for those who feel empty. You just need a solid foundation. For most people without the family or friends to rely on, they use God as their foundation. You'll still flounder, but with support life is easier than it used to be. The best thing is to remember that you're not alone.

6. A false witness that pours out lies: A false witness or false prophet is the worst of all. The Lord says that those who teach idolatry and lies will have the worst afterlife of all. I believe this speaks directly to the teachings of our children. The teaching of Evolution as a "fact" and not a "theory" irks me. A "theory" has to be proven and Evolution never was. Quite the opposite. The missing link that science have pointed to as proof of this theory (Lucy) was found to be a hoax. There are several other examples of Evolution hoaxes. I assume they will keep creating lies in order to mislead Christians.

Smithsonian ,We Have A Problem
http://thearrowsoftruth.com/tag/fossilised-human-footprints

The most ironic part of this is that there is ample evidence that humans and dinosaurs co-existed. Click on the link above called "Smithsonian, We Have a Problem" to read about evidence that general science does not want you to know. Many people have hidden this information away on purpose. However, if you look you'll find the scientific evidence scattered throughout the internet, books and scientific university logs. This information has been catalogued by esteemed scientists and researchers. It is just not advertised or allowed to be taught in schools. Why? Why is it so important to Atheists to keep lying to the human race? Personally, I'll never understand it so I just make sure that I teach the children that I know that the truth is up to them.

7. A person who sows discord in a family: I don't believe that this is only a group of related people. I believe this can also refer to those groups of close friends that you grow up with or people that you trust wholeheartedly. To lie and mislead people who truly love you deeply, is just so wrong. There is nothing worse. It is one thing to backstab a person that you barely know, but when you do this to someone who loves you, it destroys many things. People who have been horribly betrayed have a very hard life trying to move on from that kind of pain. Sometimes they never get over it. It can create drama between other people in the group, not just the ones directly affected. It can cause feelings of anguish and the worst thing of all; it can alienate someone who desperately needed the support of your group. It could cause them to head into a spiral of negativity from which they may not recover...

This is not to say that we should enable people. If they have a problem with alcohol, drugs, kleptomania, or abuse and hurt others, you do not have to keep supporting them and their bad habits. They don't have to be a part of your life. You should make it clear that their behavior is unacceptable and you don't support it. Some day they might change, and seek help, but you can't make them change.

We must think about our actions before we make them. Every action and reaction is a choice,but we affect more than just ourselves. Whether or not we have much time to decide we need to make the best choice. If we always choose that side which benefits and helps others, instead of ourselves, that end result will most likely benefit all parties and/or it will be the lesser evil. This is just another opinion based on Christianity, but thanks for reading.

Birth Control, Estrogens and Hormones

Some men do carry the biological burden, but in most cases it's the women that carry it. Since the introduction of the pill in the 60s there are been quite a few variations and changes. This article is about that.

Some of the newest on the market have also proven the most harmful. Take YAZ for instance. It has been proven to cause serious heart and health problems. In the last year the company that produced YAZ has been sued several times. It continues to affect your health long after you've stopped taking it.

It's true that women on the average live longer than men, but I'm not sure if that will continue. I'm also not sure if we have the best quality of life. Most women my age have taken birth control for most of their lives. My mother took them. I took them. My children will take them. But how much SHOULD we take them?

Birth control chemicals present SO many issues. Today I will present just a few concerns. You, my peers have been fooled by this illusion that chemicals are safe for us. At this day and age there are some who have issues with the pills, but for the general public and for our generation it is accepted. When teenage girls begin puberty, they are just put on it. For me, they reduced my cramps, so they were a God send.  They do have benefits, but they also alter our chemistry in more ways than we suspect. I mean in both our body and brain.

Birth control methods can:

Decrease the production of DHEA

Decrease the production of Estrogens

Decrease the production of Melatonin

Decrease the production of Testosterones

Decrease the production of Androgens

http://www.healthywomen.org/condition/androgen

Here is the issue. There is more than one type of estrogen. More than one type of testosterone exists. Of course we also have progesterone. All of these things have to be in balance and each one affects the other. These are all incredibly important.

In rare case, such as mine I underwent IVF. I have had over 22 weeks of intensive estrogen and progesterone treatment during the surrogacy attempts that I did in 2007-2008. This really screwed me over. I now believe the effect was catastrophic to my brain and body. I am left with an underproduction of both progesterone and estrogen. After I had that baby in 4/2008 my brain simply stopped working normally. I had no progesterone and the female brain requires it in order to function. I thought that it would return to normal, but it never did.

I had really horrible depression. I was not functioning mentally. I would lose things constantly. I left the keys in the refrigerator. I don't know how.  I was told my thinking was faulty. I was told I was depressed and crying because I was "over-tired". I contemplated suicide, but I had small children and to me that wasn't an option. I felt very alone. I thought that my unsatisfying relationship, and my stay-at-home life with my kids were to blame. I had never been depressed in my life. Honestly I did not know what to think.  I have now come to the conclusion that:

*  I needed more support than I was getting.

*  I was hormonally depressed and very seriously.   Crying in the shower at 3 am was not normal.

* I needed to have someone take me to a doctor. I was literally unable to help myself. 

No one examined my hormone levels after the surrogacy in 2008. I had a check up at my local OB, not the fertility center, but they should have tested me after pumping my system with hormones.   I was so caught up in the drama of my depression and then a separation, and then custody battles and such . . that I wasn't really thinking about myself, or what might have actually caused the overall problem. I had no idea how serious my memory loss and cognitive functioning had become, because I was the only one suffering it. None of my loved ones noticed and when they did would tell me something like: "You just have selective memory. You choose what you want to remember". To someone who has real memory problems, this was really painful for me. I had no idea how bad my brain had deteriorated. I was also proud, so I kept trying to hide my disability.

I realize now I should have told someone how bad it was. Instead I was trying to eat healthy and kind of avoid the pain of the thought that I had a medical issue. I have never been a person that forgot things before. I had never been uncoordinated before in my entire life. I had never been the person who walks along a hallway and just bumps into the wall. I was dropping things all the time. They call this "butterfingers". I obviously didn't look these things up on the internet because it was new at the time, but I was too busy raising my small toddlers to think about it anyway. My life was consumed with diapers and feedings. My self esteem had taken very big hits from having children and being so far away from the support of my family. I didn't have a lot of friends. I wasn't interacting with anyone on a daily basis. I was completely alienated. I am a giver, so I am not a person who goes to the doctor to complain.

The problem was major and it should have been addressed. I would like all of you to remember this. Share it with people. It can help other people with depression and cognitive problems.

There are multiple types of steroids, hormones and substances that your body makes. So, how do we know which to replace after life has toyed with your body? Answer: We do not know. We have to investigate. There are a lot of holistic doctors that have emerged to deal with estrogen dominance. You can also get a referral to an endocrinologist to test your hormones.

You may never be able to increase these hormones in the right ways, but you can attempt it and come as close to you can. I have and it has helped me tons!

First, please read about Melatonin. Most people do not get enough. It is incredibly beneficial for your skin and your brain. You can also read this article I have written on estrogen dominance:
http://amewagoner.blogspot.com/2015/04/promood.html 

If you have been on pills or IUDs for most of your life, you are probably low on something. The MAIN effect of having no progesterone is a foggy brain. However, you could also other problems.  You don't remember why you walked into the kitchen?  Mine was so bad that I literally couldn't remember something that happened 5 minutes ago. I functioned or appeared to function normally because I was smart enough to systematize my life. 

I would talk to myself mentally every time I did something. I would make lists everywhere. I was extremely paranoid of forgetting things. "Milk, must get milk. Milk in the bottle. Oh, babies are dirty. First diapers. Diapers and milk, diapers and milk, diapers and milk. Diapers and then milk. " I would do this mentally while the babies were crying, but I would say, "It's ok babies, just need diapers and milk." There is no way I could talk to another person if I had something to do. My significant other at the time probably thought I was crazy and ignoring him, but I honestly could not focus on his words because I was too busy saying, "diapers and milk" over and over again in my head. I lived this way for a VERY long time. I imagine that some of the functional ability I have now is from these habits that I have trained myself into. I still constantly make lists and constantly repeat things to myself on a regular basis. I went to the store yesterday and bought some things. I did NOT buy the one thing I was supposed to buy, which was a 9 volt battery. So, It is now normal for me to function this way and if I do not make a list I can not be at full efficiency. Another reason I seemed so "normal" was that I could remember a lot of old information. I could tell you that brown eyes are dominant and that blue eyes are recessive. I could even draw you a chart for Recessive/Dominant, based on the Genetics 101 class I took in 1995, but I could not remember my own cousin's name for over 5 minutes. To clarify, if I stopped saying "diapers and milk" in my head and then walked into the nursery, there was about a 75% chance that I would completely forget why I went in there.

So, in "fog brain" only your short-term memory is affected. Fog brain can also fog up things like names, words or processes. Some smells may repulse you. I couldn't stand the smell of any type of seafood. Ick! You may drop things, be klutzy . . . basically anything that you have seen happen to a pregnant woman, are symptoms that you may have. 

Let me tell you why. Estrogen levels have to be higher than progesterone, but not by too much. If they are not then the body suffers horribly from all kinds of weird symptoms. Pregnant women fluctuate between overproduction of estrogen and overproduction of progesterone. That is normal for them because they need to do that in order to make the changes in their body in order to make babies. For example the spine actually straightens! Weird. 

To get your life back you can do several things. First off, talk to your doctor about how much production of what hormones you think you produce. Use this to measure them: 

http://www.johnleemd.com/store/resource_hormonetest.html

I suggest you look more at the symptoms than at any actual test measuring hormones. Everyone's body works differently, and what your symptoms are reflects your needs. For me, I still under produce progesterone AND estrogen . . and if I don't take my progesterone religiously, I will get an estrogen migraine. If I take no pills my estrogen and progesterone fall, and then I am fog brained again (which I hate more than the migraines). My doctor helped me by putting me on a single-phasic pill that is high in progesterone, but still has some estrogen. In order for me to function I need to have a good source of estrogen and progesterone.

What was happening with a triple phasic pill was that by the time I got to pill set #2 my estrogen and progesterone had adjusted to pill set (week #1).  This was making it impossible for my body to be normal but it was also making it impossible for me to diagnose my symptoms, since they were all over the place. With this pill I have the same dose every day for three weeks. It helps my body to regulate itself for me. As I write this I correct numerous typos, spelling errors and grammar. I'm still not normal. I don't believe I ever will be until I decide to get a full hormone replacement therapy, maybe in fifteen years or so. We'll see.

You can also have estrogen dominance or overproduction in different amounts, but most pill-users are under producing. Talk to your NP or Dr. about balancing with different types of pills, like a pill that only contains progesterone and no estrogen. If you have questions feel free to ask me. I just hope I shed some light on this subject.

For more information just click on this image below. It will lead you to another blog for a holistic medical nurse. Thank you for reading.

Grammar!!

Charisma in Movies!

A friend of mine recently said that Arnold Schwarzenegger - has lost all his mojo. I guess in the last movie he made: Sabotage, he just didn't bring it home - or so I heard. However, after a quick investigation online, I see that it indeed was not the actor to blame.

Bueller, Ferris Bueller

This is much the same issue that I have with people saying that Keanu Reeves is a "bad actor".  One scene does not an actor make. I blame the director for much of the Keanu Reeves comments. While he really brings it home in some scenes, in others he just didn't seem to get into it. So, yes. The actor has to bring a performance, but you can't do one take and expect that actor to nail it every time.  We are not all Ferris Bueller, or Mary Poppins, perfect in every way.

Back to the script here for this Sabotage movie . . . Movie makers need to realize that the audience doesn't just want egos, blood and gore. When that is all you present you are left with these kinds of Rotten Tomatoes reviews:

Did he just say they dunked the camera in guts?? Seriously!! That is one of the worst things I've ever heard. I feel terrible now that Arnold was duped into making such a crappy movie.

Anyway, that bring me to the actual subject, which is CHARISMA. Does he have it? Uh, well, he doesn't have much. He's no Sean Connery or Bruce Willis. Those actors could be 90 years old and still bring it home by bringing us that charisma that we crave! In fact many women would still be into them in their older age. I mean look at Hugh Hefner. Charisma might not actually have an age . . .  Food for thought.

So, Arnold. Well, he never actually had that much charisma on screen to begin with. A lot of this is due to the heavy accent. I have to admit that Kindergarten Cop was actually pretty decent. There were some scenes where the man was believable, and in that movie he did deliver some great lines. However, I'm not sure he has the ability to deliver lines in the same way that Samuel L. Jackson can. He just can't do the same intensity without seeming disingenuous. He is just not capable of bringing that kind of Samuel L. Jackson performance. Or at least I have never seen a director get that kind of performance out of him. This is not to say that an amazing, outstanding actor would have fared any better in this movie with the gore. If the movie is bad, it just is.

Anyway, that's what makes storytelling in movies so powerful. Charisma! Passion! A good movie gives you insights into the characters. Each character lives and breathes as more than just an actor and you feel their struggles. Let me use as an example a recent movie that came out. It was called "Her". The lead role is Scarlett Johansson. In the movie you don't see her. You can't. However, it was very dramatic. It was a wonderful emotional roller coaster. It is one of the most powerful performances I have seen out of Joaquin. Of course all his stuff is amazing. He's just very talented, a virtual Ferris Bueller if you will. It was a very emotional, uplifting and yet thought provoking experience.  The mustache on Joaquin Phoenix - more unfortunate, but still accepted as you watch it. You will leave the theater with the cogs in your head turning. That is a good story line and a good director. That's how it's done!

I do admit that I am a very imaginative person, so the premises to me was believable and I did get into the movie more than I thought I would - despite the mustache. it bothers me a lot because he's such a beautiful man and it's like in the way of seeing him. Whatever. So, older people don't quite get into this movie premises as much as I would hope because of the technological way that we think nowadays. I just thought I should add that so you don't watch it with your Grandma, who might not grasp the movie's entire point.

At left:                                                                                                         At right:
OFFICIAL POSTER                                                                                REAL LIFE
Photoshopped smaller waist and rounder boobs.                                  Live action shot on set.

So to me, this movie was a HUGE deal. Huge! Why? There is no visual. So, there was no overt sex appeal. The character is attractive because she's smart, caring, fun and interesting. If you knew woman you'd know that being loved for who we truly are, and not what we look like . . is a big deal. And in Hollywood this point is so often  overlooked.
Scarlett Johansson also plays Black Widow in the new Avenger series, and while she is appreciated in some of those scenes because she has real clothes on, the movie posters make her waist look smaller and boobs rounder and larger maybe? All in all it is not a catastrophic photo-shopping job, but it is done nonetheless.


So to summarize, don't blame Arnold. The man ran into a truck filled with rotten tomatoes. Who knows why he picked that script? Maybe he needs a new agent . . . or maybe he didn't read it? Personal favor to a friend. Who knows. Maybe he'll find another role that can show off his talents. He can do better. I know. I saw Kindergarten Cop.

Mothers

So, I know it isn't Mother's Day, but the truth is every day is important to a mother and to their children. This is not just school age children. I mean all children, as in all people on the Earth who at one time had a mother.

Every day I am met with yet another human being who either had no mother growing up or had a very poor one. This is often supplemented with a neglecting and/or absent father. It could also be they did or did not have an abusive step parent.

Take for example a man I dated. He was so badly neglected by his father that his step-mother felt it was not necessary to feed his children. He was away and she thought he'd never find out. After all it costs money to feed people. So, this child snuck into the garage of their home. He knew his best resource was in there .  . . the dog food she'd left for the dog. So hungry was this child that if he begged her for food she would lock him in a closet. So, instead he opted for the dog food. It wasn't all that bad he told me. It was just not tasty at all. At least his tummy didn't hurt so bad anymore.

I don't have a lot more to say on this at the moment. I'm just completely horrified by it. Sometimes horrible things sneak into my thoughts.