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Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Internal Dialogue - Why Christian Women Can't Find a Man (Oh really?!)

No. I am not impressed.
Oohhh, goodness. Have you ever had an internal dialogue while reading an article? Did your dialogue get heated . . with yourself? Hahaha!! The funniest part is that dozens of people have commented on this article, and how great it is. It was just so painful to me.

 My internal dialogue is all in purple. Enjoy!

Please note that I am not: a vapid, self-serving, sloth-like, soul-sucking, succubus who wants everything from a man for nothing. (This guy thinks I am, so FYI. Just want to make sure!) 

9 Reasons You May Not Know Why Christian Singles Ladies Cant Find Their Boaz, David or Joseph

posted on Jul 2, 2014 in Relationships by 
A. This article is mainly for mature Christian single women. Mature. Christian. Women. Why? Because Girls might get offended or not understand but a mature Christian woman will probably get it and take the knowledge.  Right from the beginning the author attempts to control us. He makes sweeping generalizations about his audience and pigeonholes the women that might read it. Wouldn't we take what we need from the article, with our own minds? That's not ok?  So what is a ‘girl’ and what is a ‘woman’, and why on earth would he add the caveat that the article isn't for girls?  The youth don't need his 'wisdom and experience'?  If I'm offended by anything here, then I'm a sad little girl? Maybe I AM a sad little girl. Who knows, eh? OOook then. Let's take a look-see.

. A woman’s relationship status does not define her, so being single is not a disease or an indication of something “wrong” with her. So this article is not to list a bunch of reasons why you are at fault for not being married …as if marriage was something you just bought at the store. I wouldn’t do that. I respect and care about women’s issues more than there is space to write about here. As a daughter of God, he is working out your story beautifully, so bask in that. This is however, for Christian ladies who are ready for marriage but frustrated that they can’t find the right guy even though there seems to be options.  Oh my goodness. He's not listing a bunch of reasons why I'm at fault for being single,  but hey . . He's going to give me 9 reasons why I'm probably at fault for being single. Wait. What?
So, from what authority does the author derive his right to judge who is a ‘woman’ and who is a ‘girl’?  Perhaps these tips won't be helpful to me? After all, I am a woman, but I might possibly be insulted. Scary! Why feel compelled to make this spurious distinction, yet again?
C. I write this respectfully but I will write it as honestly as possible as a man and as someone who knows a thing or two about relationships. I’ll tell you probably like no one has told you before. So the tone may be a bit direct not because I am brash but because I am writing to Women not girls and one thing I know about women is that contrary to the opinion that they want you to beat around the bush, when it comes to things that are really important, they want you to tell them like it is. They would rather know now, shed a tear or two and start working ASAP to move out, move up, move on or move forward so they don’t waste more time doing the same thing and not getting the outcomes they want. Well, I don't like to waste time. Let's listen to his respectful, and "experienced" advice.
D. All your single girlfriends AND male friends should read this. That's a pretty bold statement there. Not that he is proud. (Pride is a sin, by the way.)
Don't look for men who "have it all
 figured out". This guy is a winner.
1. Many Christian ladies want a man that “knows where he is going”… but God’s men usually don’t have a clue:  Think about that for a moment. Think through the Bible…all the great men that had relationships with God and who he used and blessed….they usually didn’t have a clue about where they were going and (here is the even crazier part) even if they had a clue, their lives for a long time did not reflect that great place God said he was taking them. Just think about it. All the way from Abraham …going to a land he did not know; Joseph having a dream that people would bow down to him but became a slave and then a prisoner; David who was anointed to be King and then lived the next 15 years in the wilderness as a fugitive; Peter the great fisher of men who was barely able to catch fish. 
David too. “Look baby…I really care about you and want to spend the rest of my life taking care of you… In fact, I’ve just been anointed King…buuutttt I’m kinda living in the bushes right now and on the run from the King I’m supposed to replace.”
God’s men don’t “always” have a direction or know the details. So stop looking for men who have it all figured out!  I completely disagree. First of all, men are the ones who have this idea that they have to have a goal and a purpose. Women don't require that, but we do have some standards. Women want someone who is honest, works hard and treats people well.

Yes. He should take care of himself better than a toddler. 
That's pretty much it! I personally have very few requirements. Well, no smoking or drugs, but I should not even have to qualify that. Regarding standards, is said man taking care of himself better than a toddler would? Uh. Well, if he's living in the bushes, I'm not entirely convinced of that. How can a man take care of a wife, and a family, if he can't even take care of himself? I love the Lord, but I don't want my babies to freeze to death, because I married some guy who wants to live in the bushes. Not all women even expect men to take care of themselves better than a toddler would, but I do.

2. Many ladies approach relationships from the perspective of “Low Risk, High Reward”: Meaning, they want to get the absolute best man with the least amount of risk. (And I’m not just talking about finances here.) They don’t want to put themselves out there at all. Hold on. Ok. Where is he getting this? I missed a memo, or something.
They want the man to take ALL the risks…to be utterly convinced he wants to be with them before they open up about who they really are. Nope. You know who you are…You act like YOU are the ONLY prize in the equation. Uh, nnooo.  He doesn’t know anything about your background but you turned into a private investigator to make sure he is good enough for you. What? Where the heck did you get that? This is the weirdest stuff I've ever read. I feel like I'm watching a dramatic tv show. Oh my gosh, is this a Twilight blog? 

You are financially irresponsible and an impulsive spender, you’re spending insane percentages of your income on your hair, shoes, bags, and your “package” but you want a man who knows how to make and keep money. Hahaha!! WHAT?! Wow. Where the heck is he getting this from?  That is really specific jargon, with a ton of assumption and generalization. I've heard jokes about shoes before, but dang! He's not even trying to pull the PC version of anything in this article. Is this support to be relevant to all women? Ok. How the heck are people lining up to LIKE this article in the comments? Oh my gosh. Seriously! I'm actually laughing, and being sad about this at the same time. I am not sure how much I should be insulted here, since I obviously don't have as many shoes as all these other women do. Awwww, now I'm sad. :(

You have not grown your faith or prayer life to where it needs to be but you want a demon chasing, tongue speaking, Bible spitting warrior of a husband…because “he is the leader of the home”.  It takes two to tango. Reading more of this article is getting much harder. I'm in it for the long haul though. Let's go for it!
You’ve dated a bunch of losers that didn’t work out but he is no good because he has had several failed relationships too? Hahaha!! Wow. So, if a woman is single, then it's pretty obvious that she's not really found Mr. Perfect. Right? If she had already found someone awesome to spend time with, she wouldn't even be reading this. So, sure. You win. You just told your audience that all the men they dated were worthless though. I'm unsure how that's helpful. FYI.  I have actually dated fairly successful men along with those who were "losers".  I don't discriminate against anyone based on their income level. Sometimes manners come into it, but that's just a personality thing.  Also, I would never look down on, or judge someone else because they "failed". We all fail! What we fail at is just different for different people. I was not in my date's shoes. I did not live their marriage. That's what the date is for. He tells me what happened. Also, why would I judge anyone when I have also failed? 

According to author, I love fakeness!
You want to see him as he is but you cover yourself up in perfectly filtered Instagram pictures, hair extensions, push up bras, makeup and layers of stuff that make it impossible to see who you really are. Hilarious!! Just funny as heck. I cover myself in fakeness?  Woohoo! Let's put on a fake internet wig!! Hahaha. I went on a date today after taking a shower. I didn't have a speck of make up on. My hair was in a bun, because that's what I do. Yup. Pretty much every day. I don't give any cares! Take that, author man.

 You are lazy with not much follow-through but you want a man who can stay up all night working on a project. I am!? Well, I take very good care of myself, and my kids. I pick up after myself better than a toddler. I also care for other human beings, and I do a good job of it.  In my experience women try much, much harder. I used to work full-time, and still come home, help the kids with homework, give them a bath, make a full dinner, and then deal with all the cleaning afterward. And I'm lazy?!

I bake things for people that I date. I bring him things. I buy him presents that I think he would like. I can't believe how selfish I am! Ya. Women are not usually the ones not fulfilling expectations in this manner. That's just my opinion as a women though. Remember, I'm not a girl. Uh oh, how do we qualify who are women, and who are girls again? Crap! Now, I'm in trouble.

Nom nom nom. Men do loves presents!
If he put that spotlight on you, would YOU make the cut? Well, in my experience, it's not usually me. I assume I'm not allowed to say that here though. 

In essence, many Christian ladies say they have faith but they don’t. They say that God is their source but they are lying. They say that they trust God's will for their future, but they are lying. They don't.  What? What women? Ok. Sure. No one should ever lie to someone they are dating, but this is so weirdly specific, and generalized. Do you know me? No. I don't lie. Ever. Every lie will be brought to fruition, so what is the point of a lie? You just get found out anyway. Lying is not a smart thing to do. Ever. I have never seen lies pay off. 
They put their trust in a man. What kind of job he has/can get.  How much he is making or can make. They want to make sure he has the “ability to provide”. They want him to have his life utterly figured out… Hahahaha! Wow. Ok. I am not a money-grubber. Perhaps he has dated too many of them and now he's so jaded that he doesn't even see other women as human beings, with different personalities.
Nom nom nom.
 (Come on! I had to!)
But I have met many great men who haven’t found the employment they have the potential to get. I have met many others who were living it up until the economy crashed.  These are weird generalizations, but ok. Ya. Most women don't care about money. No matter how you paint the women you meet, women are very deep creatures. If a man seems Godly, honest and compassionate - we will be interested in what he offers emotionally and spiritually.  We do not look like a dog searching for a bone. We earn our own bones! Again, the author may be jaded based on some personal experiences.

3. Many ladies forget that good Christian men look for women who share similar non-romantic, non-spiritual values: Sure he should be romantic and sure he must share those spiritual values but eerrmmm ladies…these Christian brothers are looking for those other character traits as well that speak to the OPERATION of your possible lives together. Dependability, thriftiness, work ethic, time management, hard work, follow-through and so on. I don't follow. You dated lazy women who were all about themselves? How does that represent every woman that exists?
One of the first things we learn about Ruth for example, was her work ethic. ( Ruth chapter 2). She knew how to pull her hair back, forget about her nails, roll up her sleeves and get on the grind. She worked really hard and even when she got the attention of the “well established guy with the sensitive heart” she didn’t stop working. She took the break that he offered her and went back to work. Again, assuming I don't work my bum off. Untrue. Oh, my gosh. Is this thing over yet?!
That’s how you earn a man’s respect…when you can show him that what he HAS does not define who you are.  So, you don't want a door mat? Oh my goodness. Make up your mind up already. A minute ago you wanted a woman who worked her ass off, killing herself for you. 
Exhausted from work? Too bad. You
 have to look gorgeous anyway.
Here is the icing on that cake. Just because Ruth could get down and work, didn’t mean she couldn’t look pretty and tidy up (Ruth 3:3). Wwwoooowww! Icing on the cake? I'll say!! After all the other insults he's thrown around. Hahaha. Wow. This guy really needs someone to edit his stuff. This is just SO sexist. He can't actually think that this will fly with any kind of self confident woman. I . . . I don't even have a comeback. Women should always look sexy and pretty, even if they worked a 40 hour week and did numerous errands, and probably cleaned the whole dang place. So, I work a full-time job, then come home and then make myself beautiful all over again? Ok. I admit that I wouldn't want to look horrible, but what is the qualifier here?  I should put on makeup and do my nails? This guy . . I thought he just said in # 2 that women shouldn't make themselves up so much. Oh. Contradiction is thy name Mr. Author.

4. Many ladies pre-qualify their leads: This is one of the most CRITICAL reasons. In fact, there is a powerful 2 part series on just that HERE:
Ok then. All women should have STANDARDS.  In fact, we have to have them. We can not raise babies in a dumpster in an alley. Just . . no. If we would do so, we would have our kids taken away. If we live in a car, or can not feed our kids, how are we supposed to feel like a real person? People should work, be mature and responsible. A lot of human beings like to have a car, and a roof over their heads.  Are you saying those qualifications are too hard for the average single man? If so, that's not realistic. I won't date ya!  I'm not sure how many women will bend their qualifications for men that don't work, or care to work.  If you are a lazy man, then I guess . . good luck with that.

5. Good Christian men know their worth too and don’t want to settle either: Yea ladies…men are understanding their worth a bit more too. Christian men are getting more and more comfortable attending relationship seminars and getting information about seeking God’s face for a wife. They are realizing how powerful of an impact a wife has on the outcome of their lives and ministry, and they are spending more time trying to see what is beneath the surface. They know that a woman can make or break everything. ... They are realizing that a wife can make or break a man.
Yes they are praying for a Ruth but they are also praying against Delilah as well.  But you just said that women should settle, and not be so harsh as to have standards. . . Contradiction again. * Sigh *

6. Many Christian ladies have no testimony with men: A few years ago, an older friend (a number of years older than me) came up to me after a church program and asked me about a lady in my church. Who she was and what she was like as a person.
I didn’t stop talking for minutes. They were married about a year later.
Same thing happened to Ruth. (Ruth Chapter 2 from Vs 3) Boaz came back from a trip, saw Ruth and asked his Foreman “Who is that and who does she belong to”, to which the foreman answered and gave a fantastic testimony of her character. (See Boaz’s response in Vs 11)
Here is a secret ladies, you know how you like a guy and try to keep it to yourself until your girlfriends force a confession out of you? We guys don’t do that. The moment we think we are interested in you, we are telling someone and we are asking around about you….and we are asking our MALE friends/mentors. Because we know they will tell us like it is and of course won’t spread it all around church and make things suddenly awkward or cause all the sisters to start giving the dirty eye next Sunday. Bro code.
Teenage chick gets it.
The truth is that even Christian ladies can be toxic sometimes when it comes to how they treat men who they don’t consider a prospect. You forget that when the real prospect comes and is interested in you, he will ask other men… I'm half lost on this story, and it's point. How much does he actually get rejected? Geez. If a woman isn't interested, then she's just not interested. I can't believe he wrote a paragraph on this.

7. Many Christian women want a Proverbs 31 Man: That’s not a typo. Pick up your Bible and read Proverbs 31 again with fresh eyes… from the  perspective of the character of that woman…and you will see that those qualities are the ones that many women are looking for in a man when they should be busy developing those qualities themselves.  This entire article is about his ex and the rejections he's gotten since. Geez man! If you've been rejected, or if people were mean to you, then this article was good for venting, but I don't feel like it helped me in the slightest! My advice would be to rewrite this.  "Good people attract good people", would probably do it though.
8. Many Christian ladies want to be married but they are not truly ready to be led: They want to marry a boyfriend but not a husband. They want only a partner but not a leader. They want an emotional prenup that things will always be 50:50. They say they will concede authority to God himself but in their heart, they are not willing to be led by his representative in the home. Again, I totally disagree. Women put up with a lot. We sacrifice great amounts in relationship. We want men to lead us, but they let us down, and often. A man who lives in the dumpster in an alley is just not going to have the intellect or motivation that I require.
9. Many young married Christian women are painting a fairytale picture of marriage to their single ladies. Nope. We think we're going to suffer and sacrifice, and we usually do . . quite a bit. Usually, it's more than a man can fathom. I'm being honest here, because I am a single mother.  We know that we probably won't get fairytales endings, but we would like to try anyway. We'd like to have something decent. This is a very sweeping generalization of all women, but most of the article is, so  . . I should probably stop expecting otherwise.
Many young married women are doing a major disservice to single women. These young married women create a fairytale picture of weddings and marriage to their single friends. They love being the center of attention and talk up how dreamy it is. Perfect Instagram photos, perfect wedding photos, expensive glamorous weddings, perfect Facebook updates, photos and so on. Is there anything wrong with that? Uh, no. We know what we're getting into. You're calling us all liars now. Gee. Thanks.  Lies by omission are still lies. We are lying to everyone on our Facebook account? Pfftt. I never even had my wedding photos posted on Facebook or Instagram. Whatever.
No. It would just help a lot more when married young women keep it real with their sisters and tell them that the wedding day does not make the marriage. It would help a whole lot more if they sit their single friends down and talk about the importance of a praying wife, a strong wife, a submissive wife (to a Godly man)  and how contrary to popular opinion, the faith of a wife is both a weapon for the family and its defense as well. Instead, they get their single sisters all dreamy eyed and waiting for a perfect story and a perfect man…waiting for KalEl from planet Krypton with the big “S” on his chest and a red cape, when they should look at Clark Kent from Planet earth. I am so, so done with this guy! So done!

Sisters, God has a beautiful story of love written for you. Am I saying settle? No way. Thank the good Lord! I think he's done. Sure. Women should never settle. We need requirements and we need to have standards. You said earlier that we shouldn't bit I'll ignore all the contradiction because I'm so done with this article.  But I am saying look at these men through the eyes of Christ. Get your pride out of the way. Don’t define your marital success by how well your wedding day or “lifestyle” stacks up with other women. Uh, who's he talking to? Anyone know who he's supposed to be talking to?  Most importantly, start seeing yourself as a true (not just perceived) gift from God that can bring God’s favor and blessings into your husband’s life because that’s what you are. So work to BECOME that and I truly, truly wish you a love-filled, Christ centered happy marriage when it does happen. Uh huh. Ok. Amen.

Stay humble, remember to respect others and yourself, and keep realistic expectations - I think.  Sure. * Sigh * Wow. I made it. Thank goodness that's over!


K. Martin said...

Someone posted that article on the christianchat forum. It's no surprise that many people on that forum agree with you and have voiced similar reactions.

Biracial Christian Girl said...

That article the guy wrote is so stupid. He just sounds like someone who is mad because he can't get a girlfriend. That was the most moronic article I've ever read.

Ame said...

Amen girl.

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I am a bit funny, crazy, sometimes serious and usually wise. I'm very creative and artistic. However my greatest gift in life is common sense.