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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

14 Things You May Not Miss About Your Extra-Friendly Ghetto Apt

1. People saying how f/phat your butt is. Compliment or back-handed compliment? You decide.

2. Smelling the most amazing fried chicken, or sometimes barbeque, and having no idea where it's coming from! "Dang it. I don't really know number 5. Now I have to go pick up some KFC. Dang you, fried chicken! Dang you number 5. Why do you have to cook with such skills?"

3. People coming to your door with tamales.You keep a stash of cash for such emergencies.

4.  People just walking into your apartment like you're in a dorm room. You could be naked. You could be doing private things. You could be in the shower. It doesn't matter because someone's adorable child needs to borrow some milk. You say yes to the puppy dog eyes.

5. You not having enough milk . . Could you ever have enough milk?

6. Hearing cat fights outside. None of these cats belong to you. This makes you secretly happy,

7. Smelling smoke in your place and then realizing that a guest of your neighbor just started smoking. You make a mental note of which apartment they came from.

8. When you are out at night and you hear a loud "bang" sound from block away. You pray that it was a car that was backfiring  . . . three times. (You check the news. No one in your town has been murdered lately.)

9. One day while you're watching TV, you hear a very small voiced toddler walk past your windows, saying "Hey! Órale." to everyone he sees on the sidewalk. You wonder if he has sunglasses on as he's doing this.

10. Neighborhood children's loud yells and giggles waking you up on holidays. You'd better have some ear plugs or a good hang over cure.

11. Children wrestling in the middle of the street. "You could get run over. Why would you do that? Are you trying to kill yourself? Where do you live?"

12. Realizing that it isn't tobacco the guy on the stairs is smoking.

13. A car beeping at 5:30 am to pick up your neighbor who probably works in construction. "Oh my gosh!! Can't you just text him? I will buy you a phone. . . and pay for the payments . . . "

14. Leaf blowers being leaf blowers . . . .  You fantasize sleepily about different ways that you would like to murder this man, and his unholy machine.

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I am a bit funny, crazy, sometimes serious and usually wise. I'm very creative and artistic. However my greatest gift in life is common sense.